It has been about a year since I last updated. Life has been busy. My oldest finally started to get some services for her speech delays and some development delays. DS is doing wonderful and growing like a weed everyday. And we have just added a new addition. Another girl. I would have thought that being pregnant again would have been easier since we didn't have a loss between this girl and our son. It was still hard. You still feel those same feelings of worry and jealousy etc. It is easier to deal with as you know what is coming, but it feels like some days you are robbed of happiness that you deserve. Even now with our new baby I will see pregnant women and that awful green monster appears. But I know it gets better and that these feelings don't last all the time. I just wish that sometimes we can enjoy ourselves without that nagging little voice sometimes.
Anyways I just wanted any mom to be know that if they feel this was it is ok. It is normal and that the feelings do pass and we can enjoy our little ones if we take a moment and remind ourselves that these feelings are ok and we can move beyond them.
Hope and Caden at 3.5 yrs old and 10 months
So it has almost been a year since our second child was born (7th pregnancy). How time flies! As this wonderful milestone comes upon us we have decided to try for a 3rd child. I don't know if it is selfish (my oldest has speech delays and maybe other moderate delays and maybe minro health issues, so is it fair to her?) or not, but we feel this will bring our family closer to being complete.
It is funny how the same fears and anxieties appear again. Will we have another miscarriage? Will I be able to handle another loss? Will me husband? Will I regret trying for more children when we finally have a happy family? My fertility doctor also retired, so will I be able to find someone like her?
I know I will need to be very conscience of my moods this time around and make sure I am still there for my kids and my husband.
I wanted to wish people Happy Holidays. Sometimes this journey for a family can be very tough whether you are trying naturally, medicially assisted, adopting whatever. Things can get so hard and we get so wrapped up in it that sometimes we loose sight of what is infront of us. I am not saying anyone is ungrateful, it is just that sometimes it is just hard and that is ok. Just find some happiness where you can and take things one day at a time.
I have decided to Pin my blog. I hope this can help bring some insight to how miscarriage effects women and couples. Also I hope this can help anyone who maybe suffering in silence and know they are not alone as 1 in 5 to 1 in 4 of every pregnancy will end in miscarriage yet sadly no one talks about it or you are made to feel ashamed of being sad or mad or any emotion.
It is funny how our human brain works and what memories it holds onto and what it lets go. Why can't it keep hold of those good feelings from experiences and not just the negative?
An example of this, at least for me, is my pregnancy and labour. My pregnancy, even the one with my daughter, were event free and normal for as much as possible after multiple losses. Though all my brain can remember are the scared, guilt, anxious and jealous emotions I had while pregnant. Not the happy and relief ones I had a lot. With my labour I did it this time without drugs, not that I had a choice, and it was super quick and told I did very well. Again all I can remember is the upset feelings.
It is like your brain keeps you in this limbo of guilt. Guilt that you didn't do one thing or another. Frustration at how you dealt with something.
Now I am thinking everyday of having a third child, but feel guilty about it. Like it would be unfair to my two current kids, but feel like I should have much more kids which sounds selfish. It just feels like something is unfinished and I am not sure what it is or something I should be doing.
Why do our brains have to be so complicated?
As I sit here breastfeeding my son while my oldest sleeps and updating my period tracking apps and the question on the apps "do you wish to get pregnant" I sit and think. I probably won't get pregnant again, but if we do try again could I handle another loss after 5? Could I go through the stress of trying?
I get sad when I think of these things wishing it was easy just to turn off these feelings off but they seem to always lurk there and I am ashamed. Ashamed I should still be jealous. Ashamed I don't feel fully fulfilled.
Sometimes I wish we had a switch to turn this stuff off.
When does this jealousy end? I figured after having our two little ones I would feel like our family is complete, but I don't. I still feel those pangs of jealousy with seeing people pregnant or reading about people being pregnant, especially people who get pregnant easily or easy happy pregnancies.
Why is it that losses have to rob us of so much?
Baby's name: Caden James
Due date: July 24
Actual birthdate: July 21
I had on and off prodomial labour and thought nothing off it. While at walmart on July 19 I had an accident and thought my water broke. It didn't. So July 21 at 4am I thought I had another accident but called L&D again as this time it felt like Caden hit my cervix when it happened. They said come in to double check. As I was getting ready and hub got ready I started to get cramps then contractions. So decided it was probably it. So by the time my dd and we were ready it was about 6am. We got in and got checked in and as I was going up with the nurse and then waiting to be officially checked the contractions started coming on harder and faster. When they checked I was 6cm. I was able to walk to the labour room and then I got some more contractions and then as the nurses were asking questions I got a strong one where it felt like I had to push. They checked me and I was at 8cm. They tried to get me at least the gas for pain as i couldnt get anything else but it was coming on too fast. I was fully dilated at 7:30am and I delivered baby without meds and Caden was born at 7:33am. He wasn't moving at first so the doc cut the umbilical cord to get him on my chest right away and then he was ok. Due to not having many contractions though he was mucusy but almost perfect in everything else. I did get 2nd degree tearing due to how quick it was.
My 2.5yr old was there the entire time (they let kids in Labour rooms as long as someone can watch them) and she did great. Wasnt scared of anything and I was quite loud.
So for the past 6 years I have been either trying to get pregnant, pregnant or miscarrying or recovering from birth/miscarriage.
As this is probably our last child it is hard to think of life now without the trying, doctors appointments, being pregnant etc.
It is good that we won't go through anymore losses but still it is sad.