These are the questions that are fighting for attention in my head these days as another cycle has come and gone without those awaited two lines.
It would be so much easier just to give up and move on from there, but would I regret it in the end?
When do you know it is time to give up on the dream of a family or the family you imagined? After 1 loss? After 5? Never? This is where I stand. I am on the edge of wanting to keep trying or just giving up and enjoying the family I have. But how can I? How can I give up on what I always dreamed of? How can I fail in giving my husband what he always dreamed of? Doesn't my daughter deserve to have a brother or sister since she doesn't have anyone, but us around her? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Can I be happy just with what I have after imagining having more? If I do give up, will it be forever or just for now? Should I go through another procedure to help? Will it be the last or will it be a never ending circle?
These are the questions that are fighting for attention in my head these days as another cycle has come and gone without those awaited two lines. It would be so much easier just to give up and move on from there, but would I regret it in the end?
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We have been lucky that after our first four losses we were blessed with our dear daughter.
Once you get that double line or the word 'pregnant' shows up again people seem to forget that we have had a loss and that being pregnant will solve our sadness, but it doesn't. There is the old sadness remembering the baby we lost plus the sadness that we will never fully enjoy a pregnancy. There is also the worry and anxiety about losing the new baby. Society thinks just because a piece of plastic of a blood test says 'Yes you're pregnant' we should be jumping for joy. They don't understand we have lost that naive innocence that we once had. Lots of moms-to-be don't buy anything for their baby until more then half way through their pregnancy worrying they may 'jinx it'. As milestones come and go it can become better and the mom can start to relax, but some moms don't get this. The families that lost babies at full or almost full term cannot have that feeling of happiness until their baby is actually in their arms. So if anyone is reading this and is aware of someone who lost a baby at any stage and is pregnant again, ask them how they are. Don't be all gushy and say how happy they should feel now that their pregnant again because this pregnancy will never replace what they lost. Originally written 07/10/2014
Going through a miscarriage can be one of the most difficult things a person can go through and sadly women and their families get little to no support from society. I have never understood this. We can discuss when a relative dies or a parent or child, but when it is a still birth or a miscarriage it is "not fair" or "not right" to speak about so women and their family has to suffer in silence. Just because I only carried my child for a short time doesn't mean I didn't love it, name it, imagine our future with it. This feeling of loss never truly goes away. We have to live with it. Yes it gets easier, but it shouldn't get easier alone. We should be able to speak about it openly without being shunned or made to feel ashamed. Thankfully there are support groups online and there are starting to get more recognition by church support groups and pregnancy and infant loss groups, but it should be the government taking a stand. Oct 15th should be official in all provinces and not just the ones who pass a bill. If the US government can make it official for their entire country why can't Canada? I hope whoever reads this is able to remember their babies on or around Oct 15th this year with real people who have been through this as well. If not try and light a candle at 7pm your time for the International Wave of Light. Originally written 26/05/2014
So I have been doing well but as another cycle comes to an end (No period yet) it feels like everyone is moving on. I am happy for people, more so then previous months, but it is a nagging feeling that maybe we will never have a second child and why bother. Then thoughts of it is never happens why even bother being able to and getting tubes tied or something. But then i know i want to try to at least get pregnant one more time and hope it works out. My due date will be in two weeks. We probably won't do anything special. I hope to finish my letters by then. Then when in PEI out in balloons. Well anyways one month, week, day, hour and minute at a time Originally written 15/05/2014
No more progress on the letters as they are still in a bin but as I have Monday off for the holiday I will have husband get them out tomorrow. I plan on starting my morning glories and moon flowers Sunday as well. I am better but still going through the back and forth about ttc even though not preventing and guilt that can come with trying again. I did have a therapy session on Thursday but I cancelled as my daughter has been up a lot lately teething (only time she has major sleep issues thankfully) but moved it to two weeks from now when I have the week off though will be sleep training daughter. All dressed chips have been helping and keeping up with my chores have been keeping my from feeling too overwhelmed and going to the park daily with daughter for fresh air as well as I have stopped walking to work and driving so I can get home with enough time to take her out before it gets dark or too late Originally written 11/05/2014
Surprisingly I am actually really sad today. I didn't expect it. I should be about 7 months pregnant now. We didn't do any of the things I wanted to do today (except sleep in as daughter slept in). I am sad and my husband doesn't seem to notice and just thinks I am being bitchy. I am still also spotting after period which sucks too and my mom just wished me a happy mothers day but didnt ask how I was. My aunt did as she has had losses and I talk with her about it but I lied and said I was good. I also really want to work on my letters tonight while having a relaxing bath but as we had an assessment on our apartment earlier this week we threw all the junk that was sitting around into bins then put them in a closet and I think the bin it is in is on the bottom. I don't know I am just feeling like shit and sad. At least I see my counselor this week Originally written 22/04/2014 and 28/04/2014
I really need to finish those letters. I think they will help me fully move on. I am still taking almost an extra day off a week because I feel I cannot get out of bed and deal with work. It is starting to hit us a little financially now and I need to stop. I am just exhausted all the time. I may try and work an extra day next week if my supervisor allows. I would work this Thursday (my day off) as I took yesterday off but daughter started getting sick and husband worries so maybe going to see her doc. Plus if she is ok I want to take her to a drop in. I feel bad for not taking her as she always sees kids and wants to interact but I haven't been going out. Just hard sometimes. Well I will try and finish the letters and see how it goes. Still haven't touches the letters. I only have done one and a half all together and the journal is sitting by the door so I see it all the time. Bah. And I have been really down again the past few days and then angry today. Hoping it is just PMS as I am on cd 23 and don't think I will be lucky this month, but I am ok with that. Daughter was up a lot this month so didn't get to have sex every other day like we hoped. Also I have a lump on my arm. Had it for years. Past doc said it is probably a fat deposit as I got it when I gained a bunch of weight and lost muscle mass and it is regular in shape and on top of my arm muscle. Still like to get it checked though have sucky coverage at work (hopefully when i am pregnant i will add extra a month or so out from my due date then when on leave hopefully opt out of my work one) so not sure if covered. I also have a mole I am thinking I want to get removed but if it is one that will be removes through my doc it isnt covered by province fully. Bah. Probably just leave things alone as they haven't bugged me yet. My fertility specialist has already booked a recheck in August as she goes away in July if we arent pregnant yet by then. Really enjoying my tea though. Originally written 04/04/2014 and 10/04/2014
Was totally psycho today. I hate these up and downs. I couldn't stand my husband touching me this afternoon and freaked on him. Could be the feeling tired all the time as not sleeping well again due to daughter and just not feeling rested. I hope to be to normal soon and if this is PMS it sucks. Usually I am not moody for PMS but then again this will be my first cycle since the miscarriage in Jan and haven't felt normal since Oct. Oh and punishing myself by trying to figure out how far along I should be now. I just saw my counselor today and she feels I am still grieving and slightly depressed (I keep taking 1-2 days off because I just can't deal and get out of bed) but she wants to stay away from meds still as I want to get pregnant again and also the side effects are greater then the benefits for me right now. I am more consistently up but still have very bad days. I just need to keep up my exercising (walking to and from work), do my daily journal writing, and get enough sleep. Also the change of weather may help as I want to start taking daughter out more now. Also I have to finish my letters to our angels so we can release them in balloons. Maybe we will do that on Lily Grace's due date. She also said 3 months isn't actually a lot of time and probably that first month I was off I was still in shock so now I am more able to deal with it and that is why it almost feels like the loss was only 2 months ago. Also she can understand especially with some issues i am having with coworkers for work and not needing the extra stress when still trying to deal with the loss of Lily Grace. She also thinks I still need to have a good cry to try and let some of the stress out, but it is hard to cry when you feel like you physically can't because if you do you won't stop. Originally written 12/03/2014, 14/03/2014 and 31/03/2014
This week has been a lot better but we have been stressed relationship wise. I think because this is dragging out so long. Did have some bright red spotting yesterday and very very tiny pieces of what looks like tissue. I think the blood my doctor saw on the u/s 2 weeks ago must have been reabsorbed as all my bleeding was red. Will see what today brings as I have only seen tiny tiny pieces of tissue. Bah just want it to end. I haven't finished my letters to my angels yet. Still on my third letter which is to our angel Shay. Really need to finish them. So I am still bleeding today. Had a little bit of tissue pass yesterday and then just bleeding today like a heavy period. Also this is day 3 of a headache. Why must this take so long. So this is about two months post D&C and it is great the last bit of tissue is passing now, but it is like a second miscarriage and just hurts and a reminder. As for counting as a period I think I will put it in my apps as a period and just see how it goes because the bleeding I had Feb 9 if it was a period (though wasn't) I would be getting a period right now. So weird how things work. So I finished this bleeding. I am hoping this is the last of it. I finished on Mar 23. May call my fertility specialist just to keep them in the loop. My anxiety has been building up again the past week to know. I am hoping it is the early PMS and my boobs are still lumpy which always happens with my mc until my period. Some days though lately have been hard again. The bleeding lasted 2 weeks and it was like a second miscarriage again. Now I know we want to try for number two and we have been having sex every couple of days so just not pushing it and not preventing. Taking the aspirin again but this anxiety is almost a terrified feeling and I don't know why because when I thought I got my period in Feb I was all excited to be trying. I just wish my body would pick something and stick to it. I thought not being pregnant would make my anxiety better but this past week or so it doesn't seem that way. Originally written 03/03/2014
I am getting so tired of these up and down emotions though anyone who is happy makes me mad/bitter and then today it really sucks and very frustrated with my body now. It is still going to be at least a month until we can start trying. Bah. My hcg is still 3.98 today. Doc said if was above 4 would have wanted it done again next week so we will see what she says. My hcg feb 6 was 16.58.My d&c was Jan 10 and I have tissue left over (found out due to one and off bleeding after the two weeks) about 0.43cm in size which is about the size of half your thumb nail. My doctor hopes it resolved at my period which should happen 4-6 weeks after my hcg reaches 0. If not or I don't get a period we will be doing a d&c as the pills don't work very well for that small of a piece (the nurse was talking about then plus don't work well for me anyways) Oh and to add to the mad thing...why is it I am so careful of foods and drinks I have while pregnant and have issues but others eat and drink whatever they want. Or a mom crosses the street with their 7 month old on a red and gets hit. How can some of these people have kids and we don't? |
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