It is still tough knowing we should have more, but then I look at my two kids and know if I didn't have those losses they probably wouldn't be here and now they have angels watching over them forever.
Our second Rainbow baby arrived on July 21, 2015 at 7:33am. It was a super fast delivery and our little boy is doing great.
It is still tough knowing we should have more, but then I look at my two kids and know if I didn't have those losses they probably wouldn't be here and now they have angels watching over them forever.
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As our time draws near there is no helping remembering the angels we lost. Feeling guilt for not being able to take care of them, but then knowing if we didn't loose them we wouldn't be pregnant with our man now.
Even with every appointment and ultrasound even as you feel baby move you still expect to hear bad news. That baby is gone. I am doing my best to just look to today and not look to far ahead, but you can't forget the past. As the time starts to come closer all new worries start, more from my husband then me. He worries if something was to happen now we would have to bury our son and how hard that would be to do without getting to know him first.
I just try and remind him we just need to take things one day at a time. I still get scared as my daughter's birth was a bit traumatic due to bleeding issues and my platelets are a bit low this time which can rise this concern but again I justvwait to feel my son move and think everything will be fine. I worry more about how I will handle a strong willed toddler with a new baby. Good luck to anyone who reads this and know there is still hope even after multiple losses. It has been a while since an update. It is sometimes tough to think of pregnancy and the future after a loss. Mostly you try and not look past that day. Stay in the now to keep the worries away.
So far things are good. I am actually happy so far with this pregnancy. I am 17 weeks now. It seems though that this part of the journey is very hard on the non pregnant person of the relationship. They want to have some control over the situation, but they can. All they can do let go and hope for the best. Until they can feel the baby it is all still far away. My husband worries about what I eat or not excersing enough, but no matter how frustrated I get with him I have to remember he has no control of this situation and this is his only way of showing his worry. Enjoy every minute of your pregnancy no matter how loved or miserable or frustraing or anything because it is just a short journey before you get to hold your baby. So the Holidays are upon us. This time last year were we happy and exciting. we are this year as well, but it had a cloud over it. We had found out a couple of weeks from now we lost our baby Lily at 10wks6ds. She had passed away about today.
I am pregnant now at about 9 weeks so there is about a week difference, but you feel guilty. Guilty to feel happy again. Guilty to feel excited again. But then when you get some sadness you feel guilty too for not being happy you have another chance. It seems all the holidays brings these feelings, but they do seem to get easier with time. Less guilt and jist remembering. So even if you are going through a tough time and it is the holidays it does get easier with time and don't feel bad to lean on family. Enjoy your Holidays without guilt. Our children who have passed wouldn't want it any other way. Within this journey there are lots of ups and downs. Hopefully this will be an up. We just found out we are pregnant again. We are so happy, but there is that nagging little voice in the back of your head that picks the worse times to pipe up and throw all those sad questions at you. "What if the baby dies again?" "What if there is a chromosome issue again and we have to make a choice? " "What happens if something else goes wrong?"
You then get these other nervous about how you will feel after baby is born. I had mild postpartum depression with my daughter then anxiety with Lily Grace, so how will it be this time? Will I be able to enjoy this pregnancy when I haven't enjoyed any others? Well right now we are happy and ok so I will take it for what it is. Happiness. When do you know it is time to give up on the dream of a family or the family you imagined? After 1 loss? After 5? Never? This is where I stand. I am on the edge of wanting to keep trying or just giving up and enjoying the family I have. But how can I? How can I give up on what I always dreamed of? How can I fail in giving my husband what he always dreamed of? Doesn't my daughter deserve to have a brother or sister since she doesn't have anyone, but us around her? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Can I be happy just with what I have after imagining having more? If I do give up, will it be forever or just for now? Should I go through another procedure to help? Will it be the last or will it be a never ending circle?
These are the questions that are fighting for attention in my head these days as another cycle has come and gone without those awaited two lines. It would be so much easier just to give up and move on from there, but would I regret it in the end? We have been lucky that after our first four losses we were blessed with our dear daughter.
Once you get that double line or the word 'pregnant' shows up again people seem to forget that we have had a loss and that being pregnant will solve our sadness, but it doesn't. There is the old sadness remembering the baby we lost plus the sadness that we will never fully enjoy a pregnancy. There is also the worry and anxiety about losing the new baby. Society thinks just because a piece of plastic of a blood test says 'Yes you're pregnant' we should be jumping for joy. They don't understand we have lost that naive innocence that we once had. Lots of moms-to-be don't buy anything for their baby until more then half way through their pregnancy worrying they may 'jinx it'. As milestones come and go it can become better and the mom can start to relax, but some moms don't get this. The families that lost babies at full or almost full term cannot have that feeling of happiness until their baby is actually in their arms. So if anyone is reading this and is aware of someone who lost a baby at any stage and is pregnant again, ask them how they are. Don't be all gushy and say how happy they should feel now that their pregnant again because this pregnancy will never replace what they lost. Originally written 07/10/2014
Going through a miscarriage can be one of the most difficult things a person can go through and sadly women and their families get little to no support from society. I have never understood this. We can discuss when a relative dies or a parent or child, but when it is a still birth or a miscarriage it is "not fair" or "not right" to speak about so women and their family has to suffer in silence. Just because I only carried my child for a short time doesn't mean I didn't love it, name it, imagine our future with it. This feeling of loss never truly goes away. We have to live with it. Yes it gets easier, but it shouldn't get easier alone. We should be able to speak about it openly without being shunned or made to feel ashamed. Thankfully there are support groups online and there are starting to get more recognition by church support groups and pregnancy and infant loss groups, but it should be the government taking a stand. Oct 15th should be official in all provinces and not just the ones who pass a bill. If the US government can make it official for their entire country why can't Canada? I hope whoever reads this is able to remember their babies on or around Oct 15th this year with real people who have been through this as well. If not try and light a candle at 7pm your time for the International Wave of Light. Originally written 26/05/2014
So I have been doing well but as another cycle comes to an end (No period yet) it feels like everyone is moving on. I am happy for people, more so then previous months, but it is a nagging feeling that maybe we will never have a second child and why bother. Then thoughts of it is never happens why even bother being able to and getting tubes tied or something. But then i know i want to try to at least get pregnant one more time and hope it works out. My due date will be in two weeks. We probably won't do anything special. I hope to finish my letters by then. Then when in PEI out in balloons. Well anyways one month, week, day, hour and minute at a time |
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