(I will edit this a bit. I got it done but it didn't update)
Originally written 06 02/2014
My husband and I have been together since 2002. I got pregnant at 18. This was our first loss around 9 weeks. This loss I didn't really think too much about and had a D&C the Friday and I went back to school the Monday. I then went on the pill for many years.
I went to college and we moved in with each other. We got engaged in 2008 and planned to get married in 2009. 3 months before our wedding we decided that I go off the pill to get pregnant. We had a lovely road trip camping honeymoon out East. When we got back I found out a month later I was pregnant. We were happy, but worried like most couples. I was seeing my family doctor. Everything was fine. No bleeding or cramping. I had all the typical pregnancy symptoms. Then we went in for our 12 week appointment. No heartbeat. We went for an ultrasound that day. A few hours later my doctor called and said the baby had passed away 4 weeks prior.
I went to an obgyn later in the week who gave me my options. We decided to wait it out as the day we found out I started bleeding. While waiting I had ultrasounds to make sure everything was OK. After 6 weeks and no change our doctor found out the sac had collapsed so said we had to move things along. I decided to try the pills. During this time I was going to work plugging along, not really showing how I felt or knowing how I felt. During a weekend off we did the pills. I had bleeding and cramps, but nothing else after two doses. I went back to work the Monday and my doctor booked a D&C for the next Friday. Overall everything went fine. I went to work the next day. At my follow-up the doctor said the tests were inconclusive, but the baby didn't "look right" though that could have been from the long wait.
After this we didn't do birth control and about 9-10 months later we got pregnant again after we moved out east. I found a good ob and had an early appointment but as my first loss was so long ago that is was probably a "fluke" so wouldn't count it towardsIssues. So around 8 weeks I was at the end of my shift and I felt a gush like I peed myself. I rushed to the bathroom and passed a lot of blood and a large clot. I went to the ER. After blood tests and an ultrasound the next day, as we went in at night, we found out the baby passed away around 6 weeks. We waited this time and about 2 weeks later with very little pain, twinges, I passed the baby. My hub took a picture and when we were at the early loss clinic they said it was the baby. Again I went back to work the next day.
From past loss and from the ER ultrasound they always saw "something" so the doctor at the early loss clinic said to get a referral to her on the fertility/obgyn side. I was able to do this through a new doctor. So this doctor talked about doing a laparoscopy and hyteroscopy as they thought I might have a septum. At a follow up with her about 6 months from my last loss before the surgery I got pregnant again so we waited and I got an early u/s at 7wks2ds. We saw a heartbeat! It was the most wonderful ever. We were very happy.
About 4 weeks later I didn't sleep for 24 hours and got really depressed crying all night. At 12 weeks my mood hadn't improved and was concern as my family doctor gave me zantac we went to the ER. The did an u/s but couldn't really tell. They did my hcg though and as we knew what my numbers were a few weeks before we knew we lost the baby again. At the early loss clinic again we opted for the pills which didn't fully work so another D&C. No answers again. We were able to get a copy of the ultrasound where we saw the heartbeat. I went to work the next day. This time as my fertility doctor wanted to do the surgery I went back on the pill.
5 months later I had the procedures and we found I didn't have a septum or scarring. So we then discussed trying low dose aspirin and progesterone. My fertility doctor then went on leave so if I got pregnant I would see her colleague.
After 1 cycle and taking the aspirin we got pregnant again. I was very nervous, but we saw baby every 2Weeks. Things went very well except I had about 10 anxiety attacks a day. Got a referral for therapy but didn't get seen until after our daughter was born. Birth with her was actually a bit traumatic, but I didn't really deal with those feelings. I ended up with postpartum depression. I had a lot of guilt due to previous losses.
So we haven't been preventing after she was born and I got my first period in May (7 months after lo was born). We decided to not prevent. I got pregnant in Oct. We were so happy. I started to make plans for mat leave and what we would do and how my daughter would be a great big sister. We got ultrasounds at 6, 8, 9, 10 weeks. Then my mood went down again and stayed down and larger anxiety attacks. So my doc squeezed me in at 12 weeks and again there was no heartbeat. We went to the diagnosis clinic and they said the baby passed 3 days after we saw it. We then had to make the decision to do an amnio. We decided on it since I was on progesterone. They had to directly take tissue from the baby which was a bit traumatic as it looked like the baby moved. I opted for a D&C a week later as I had no bleeding or cramping and from past losses no point waiting or trying the pills. We got the results 3 weeks later from the amnio and found out baby had trisomy 18 and a girl. We named her Lily Grace as that is the name I had picked out.
This time it has been very hard dealing with. Partially due to having a lo and thinking all issues were dealt with, maybe not fully dealing with my postpartum depression and because I never took time to feel what I was feeling. From my posts I don't talk about my experiences except on a superficial level and not really feeling things. Even today talking to the social worker for my therapy and talking about Lily Grace I would tear up, but catch myself. I sort of have more insight why I am like this from my past, but now as each loss gets harder they have now all piled up andI am never actually happy. I am glad sometimes but even looking at my dd doesn't make me actually happy.So my next step from my worker is 1. Have a good breakdown cry. 2. Write my feelings down nightly in a journal. 3. Do my breathing exercises.
We went over what we do to remember our angels and what she would like to see. I have another appointment next week as she feels I need to be followed and someone for me to check in with. She wants to follow me because she wants to see if I will progress or if maybe I may need meds. This was the same reasoning my therapist before wanted to move me to the social worker in the perinatal therapy but I had issues with them and only was seen four times by the actual therapist.
So that is how things stand so far and this is why you NEED to feel these feelings and not hold back or bottle them up
Originally written 06 02/2014
My husband and I have been together since 2002. I got pregnant at 18. This was our first loss around 9 weeks. This loss I didn't really think too much about and had a D&C the Friday and I went back to school the Monday. I then went on the pill for many years.
I went to college and we moved in with each other. We got engaged in 2008 and planned to get married in 2009. 3 months before our wedding we decided that I go off the pill to get pregnant. We had a lovely road trip camping honeymoon out East. When we got back I found out a month later I was pregnant. We were happy, but worried like most couples. I was seeing my family doctor. Everything was fine. No bleeding or cramping. I had all the typical pregnancy symptoms. Then we went in for our 12 week appointment. No heartbeat. We went for an ultrasound that day. A few hours later my doctor called and said the baby had passed away 4 weeks prior.
I went to an obgyn later in the week who gave me my options. We decided to wait it out as the day we found out I started bleeding. While waiting I had ultrasounds to make sure everything was OK. After 6 weeks and no change our doctor found out the sac had collapsed so said we had to move things along. I decided to try the pills. During this time I was going to work plugging along, not really showing how I felt or knowing how I felt. During a weekend off we did the pills. I had bleeding and cramps, but nothing else after two doses. I went back to work the Monday and my doctor booked a D&C for the next Friday. Overall everything went fine. I went to work the next day. At my follow-up the doctor said the tests were inconclusive, but the baby didn't "look right" though that could have been from the long wait.
After this we didn't do birth control and about 9-10 months later we got pregnant again after we moved out east. I found a good ob and had an early appointment but as my first loss was so long ago that is was probably a "fluke" so wouldn't count it towardsIssues. So around 8 weeks I was at the end of my shift and I felt a gush like I peed myself. I rushed to the bathroom and passed a lot of blood and a large clot. I went to the ER. After blood tests and an ultrasound the next day, as we went in at night, we found out the baby passed away around 6 weeks. We waited this time and about 2 weeks later with very little pain, twinges, I passed the baby. My hub took a picture and when we were at the early loss clinic they said it was the baby. Again I went back to work the next day.
From past loss and from the ER ultrasound they always saw "something" so the doctor at the early loss clinic said to get a referral to her on the fertility/obgyn side. I was able to do this through a new doctor. So this doctor talked about doing a laparoscopy and hyteroscopy as they thought I might have a septum. At a follow up with her about 6 months from my last loss before the surgery I got pregnant again so we waited and I got an early u/s at 7wks2ds. We saw a heartbeat! It was the most wonderful ever. We were very happy.
About 4 weeks later I didn't sleep for 24 hours and got really depressed crying all night. At 12 weeks my mood hadn't improved and was concern as my family doctor gave me zantac we went to the ER. The did an u/s but couldn't really tell. They did my hcg though and as we knew what my numbers were a few weeks before we knew we lost the baby again. At the early loss clinic again we opted for the pills which didn't fully work so another D&C. No answers again. We were able to get a copy of the ultrasound where we saw the heartbeat. I went to work the next day. This time as my fertility doctor wanted to do the surgery I went back on the pill.
5 months later I had the procedures and we found I didn't have a septum or scarring. So we then discussed trying low dose aspirin and progesterone. My fertility doctor then went on leave so if I got pregnant I would see her colleague.
After 1 cycle and taking the aspirin we got pregnant again. I was very nervous, but we saw baby every 2Weeks. Things went very well except I had about 10 anxiety attacks a day. Got a referral for therapy but didn't get seen until after our daughter was born. Birth with her was actually a bit traumatic, but I didn't really deal with those feelings. I ended up with postpartum depression. I had a lot of guilt due to previous losses.
So we haven't been preventing after she was born and I got my first period in May (7 months after lo was born). We decided to not prevent. I got pregnant in Oct. We were so happy. I started to make plans for mat leave and what we would do and how my daughter would be a great big sister. We got ultrasounds at 6, 8, 9, 10 weeks. Then my mood went down again and stayed down and larger anxiety attacks. So my doc squeezed me in at 12 weeks and again there was no heartbeat. We went to the diagnosis clinic and they said the baby passed 3 days after we saw it. We then had to make the decision to do an amnio. We decided on it since I was on progesterone. They had to directly take tissue from the baby which was a bit traumatic as it looked like the baby moved. I opted for a D&C a week later as I had no bleeding or cramping and from past losses no point waiting or trying the pills. We got the results 3 weeks later from the amnio and found out baby had trisomy 18 and a girl. We named her Lily Grace as that is the name I had picked out.
This time it has been very hard dealing with. Partially due to having a lo and thinking all issues were dealt with, maybe not fully dealing with my postpartum depression and because I never took time to feel what I was feeling. From my posts I don't talk about my experiences except on a superficial level and not really feeling things. Even today talking to the social worker for my therapy and talking about Lily Grace I would tear up, but catch myself. I sort of have more insight why I am like this from my past, but now as each loss gets harder they have now all piled up andI am never actually happy. I am glad sometimes but even looking at my dd doesn't make me actually happy.So my next step from my worker is 1. Have a good breakdown cry. 2. Write my feelings down nightly in a journal. 3. Do my breathing exercises.
We went over what we do to remember our angels and what she would like to see. I have another appointment next week as she feels I need to be followed and someone for me to check in with. She wants to follow me because she wants to see if I will progress or if maybe I may need meds. This was the same reasoning my therapist before wanted to move me to the social worker in the perinatal therapy but I had issues with them and only was seen four times by the actual therapist.
So that is how things stand so far and this is why you NEED to feel these feelings and not hold back or bottle them up